Are you afraid on starting a new relationship? Are you happy with your sex life? Do you feel totally in control, and happy to experiment and get the love life you deserve? Or do you lack the confidence to ask for what you want in bed? Whichever camp you sit in, the key behind it could be what happened when you lost your virginity. A US study, 'Gone but not forgotten: Virginity loss and current sexual satisfaction' published in the Journal Of sex & Marital Therapy, investigated how influential our first time can be. 'We found those who had the best experience also had the most fulfilling sex life now, while people with negative memories were less happy with their current sex life or fear to start a new relationship,' says study coauthor Carrie Smith
Writer Kate Monro spent more than year gathering anecdotes for a book, Losing it and her blog The virginity Project. 'If there was one theme that linked most of them, it was disappointment,' She says. Your first time is unlikely to go 100% smoothly- you have never done it before and your partner might not have , either. 'When dealing with the issues around sex, I explore people's background ,' say psycho-sexual therapist Shirlee Kay. I'll find out what they have been taught about sex, how it was dealt with by their parents, and so on. I have found that if you have good a good sense of self , your first time is more likely to have been positive, even if the sex itself. How your first time and subsequent sex life play out has a lot to do with how you already were as a person in terms of confidence and self-image.'
Laura Carpenter, Author of Virginity Lost: An intimate Portrait of first sexual Experiences, identified the three groups we fall into when it comes to our first time:
- Pragmatists, who know it won't be the best experience ever but manage their expectations and have an okay time
- The stigmatised, who are embarrassed by their virgin status and determined to loose it as soon as possible
- Gifter, who see their virginity as precious item to be handled with care and reverence
Feeling you had a free choice in the matter is also important in creating an ongoing feeling of empowerment. 'It sets the templates for your current sexual relationships,' says Kay.
THE SEX FACTORS
Gifters are mostly likely to have lost their virginity to a long-term partner or trusted friend, and will most likely have planned it. The stigmatised would have been so keen to loose it, the identity of the other person barely mattered. Pragmatists go with the flow: they wouldn't have expected the earth to move and didn't place a huge emphasis on the situation.
First-time sex has no guarantees. 'It could have been with a long-term partner and disappointing, or with with a sexy stranger who was considerate.' says Monro. Your age can also have an impact - studies show the median age of virginity loss is 16 but your emotional maturity counts for more than actual years. 'A girl's body may be mature in her early teen but that doesn't mean she's emotionally ready for a sexual relationship,' says Kay. If she isn't ready,there's a risk she will feel the first time was "wrong", "Disappointing", "Shameful". You may be in your late teens or early 20s but still feel shy and awkward.'
Even the location can have a bearing: a rushed session in a guy's car, for example, would give few hints of how amazing sex can be when it's done slowly, with no fear of anyone walking in on you.
LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE
If sex was a disaster; the good news is it needn't dictate your sexual future. 'Most first-time experience is overwhelming but it does get better,' says Shawn Wickens, Author of "How To Lose Your Virginity (And How Not To)". 'As with a hangover, the best cure is time - it can turn dreadful experiences into something we can laugh about later.' Talking to people years later normalises the situation. 'There's a good chance most of them will have had a less-than-brilliant first time too,' says Kay. the 'The first time is just the first time. You'll experience much more; realizing that will help you put it into a "bad experience" box and move on.'
If you felt your virginity was 'taken' from you; when you weren't planning it or didn't feel ready, 'the most natural reaction afterwards is a lack of trust in the bedroom,' says Monro. 'So in future relationships, focus on finding partners you respect or are friends with. Don't feel guilt about holding back until you're ready. In my research the people who know their partner before, as a boyfriend or a good mate, can share any fears or nerves with them. In all cases, they chose someone they knew would respect them; that says they value themselves and want to have a good experience.'
If it was planned, with someone you trust; it shows you had respect for yourself and your body. But if your sex life after that has followed a similar pattern, you might question whether you should be more 'edgy' sexually. 'Don't feel as though you should push the boundaries of what you're comfortable with just for the sake of it,' says Monro. 'Be happy that you are confident in knowing what you like and are doing it with people you trust.'
If you waited until you were older (or the last in your group), you may be berating yourself for being older than your friends when you lost your it but you shouldn't, Says Monro. 'In fact this indicates that you didn't ( and won't) bow to pressure. Use this strength to your advantage - never compromise your values in the bedroom and always feel confident to ask for what you want. It'll lead to fulfilling sex.'
However your first time played out whether it was with a sexy stranger or a trusted friend - it's important not to have any regrets. Just remember that even the less mind-blowing experiences help you find out what you like and what to ask for. Sex is meant to be fun, after all.
KUJIUNGA NA KINYANG'ANYIRO CHA PIKIPIKI AINA YA BOXER BONYEZA PICHA CHINI YA MANENO HAYA NA UIBUKE MSHINDI,BONYEZA MARA NYINGI UWEZAVYO KUIBUKA MSHINDI;
Gifters are mostly likely to have lost their virginity to a long-term partner or trusted friend, and will most likely have planned it. The stigmatised would have been so keen to loose it, the identity of the other person barely mattered. Pragmatists go with the flow: they wouldn't have expected the earth to move and didn't place a huge emphasis on the situation.
First-time sex has no guarantees. 'It could have been with a long-term partner and disappointing, or with with a sexy stranger who was considerate.' says Monro. Your age can also have an impact - studies show the median age of virginity loss is 16 but your emotional maturity counts for more than actual years. 'A girl's body may be mature in her early teen but that doesn't mean she's emotionally ready for a sexual relationship,' says Kay. If she isn't ready,there's a risk she will feel the first time was "wrong", "Disappointing", "Shameful". You may be in your late teens or early 20s but still feel shy and awkward.'
Even the location can have a bearing: a rushed session in a guy's car, for example, would give few hints of how amazing sex can be when it's done slowly, with no fear of anyone walking in on you.
LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE
If sex was a disaster; the good news is it needn't dictate your sexual future. 'Most first-time experience is overwhelming but it does get better,' says Shawn Wickens, Author of "How To Lose Your Virginity (And How Not To)". 'As with a hangover, the best cure is time - it can turn dreadful experiences into something we can laugh about later.' Talking to people years later normalises the situation. 'There's a good chance most of them will have had a less-than-brilliant first time too,' says Kay. the 'The first time is just the first time. You'll experience much more; realizing that will help you put it into a "bad experience" box and move on.'
If you felt your virginity was 'taken' from you; when you weren't planning it or didn't feel ready, 'the most natural reaction afterwards is a lack of trust in the bedroom,' says Monro. 'So in future relationships, focus on finding partners you respect or are friends with. Don't feel guilt about holding back until you're ready. In my research the people who know their partner before, as a boyfriend or a good mate, can share any fears or nerves with them. In all cases, they chose someone they knew would respect them; that says they value themselves and want to have a good experience.'
If it was planned, with someone you trust; it shows you had respect for yourself and your body. But if your sex life after that has followed a similar pattern, you might question whether you should be more 'edgy' sexually. 'Don't feel as though you should push the boundaries of what you're comfortable with just for the sake of it,' says Monro. 'Be happy that you are confident in knowing what you like and are doing it with people you trust.'
If you waited until you were older (or the last in your group), you may be berating yourself for being older than your friends when you lost your it but you shouldn't, Says Monro. 'In fact this indicates that you didn't ( and won't) bow to pressure. Use this strength to your advantage - never compromise your values in the bedroom and always feel confident to ask for what you want. It'll lead to fulfilling sex.'
However your first time played out whether it was with a sexy stranger or a trusted friend - it's important not to have any regrets. Just remember that even the less mind-blowing experiences help you find out what you like and what to ask for. Sex is meant to be fun, after all.
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